Up to two weeks ago, coffee was always a big part of my routine. I wouldn’t have been able remember the last time I had went through the weekdays without at least two or three coffees. I had it down to a science; I knew the types of drinks I wanted and when. In the morning and evening, I'd take a flat white, or cappucino. Between them, I'd have a triple shot iced latte in the afternoon. When the right cafe was found, I would go out of my way to go back to it and even planned trips around exploring new coffee cultures. Naples. Melbourne. Seoul.
So what happened? Well, I guess coffee came up at a bad time. Previously, it accompanied me through mornings where I didn’t want to wake up, mornings I couldn’t wait to get started, nights where I wanted everything to end, nights I didn’t want to end, and everything in-between.
Maybe it’s unfair on my part. But one morning, that wednesday, I got up and went to get coffee. It was nothing new, my standard order, and the cafe was quite busy, so I waited around. It was no problem for me. So, as we do, I checked my phone. I looked out the window. And then I saw something that really just kind of flipped my world upside down. My world, at the time was, admittedly, already a little gloomy, but this unearthed new grays. What was it you might ask? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you anymore. An arrangement of things in a way that made me realize I had been too late, that I was on the wrong track, that I had done everything wrong? And maybe it wasn’t even that. My brain had a different conclusion from my heart. And unfortunately, all I could do was pace around and put my head in my hand. It felt like 15 minutes standing up there waiting for my cappucino.
When it came, I didn’t even know if I wanted the drink. But as I walked down my usual route, I sipped on it as the rain began to sprinkle ever so lightly. It didn’t feel like I was walking or could walk. My head spun and my legs felt heavy. I couldn’t finish the drink and dumped half of it into a bin.
I haven't had coffee since. I've tried to replace it with chai or black tea. At night, I often settle for chamomile with honey and milk.
To this day, things haven't gotten better.